As a therapist, I regularly counsel with men and women who are suffering with a broken heart. They tearfully plead their sincerity. Unfortunately, their fear often takes the lead of their focus and they switch to merely trying to figure out the formula or combination to get their partners to take them back again. They would rather get their own way versus doing the right thing. Be mature. Be consistent. Follow this advice.
1. Don't Rally the Troops. This means don't go around and talk with all of your partner's friends, family, co-workers and worst of all, your religious leader. Men are especially prone to do this. This is a form of emotional manipulation based on guilt and shame and tends to only push your partner further away.
2. Don't Fish For Reassurance. This no-no is a search for a ray of hope from the words "I love you too". Don't bait your partner with the proclamation "I love you". This forces them to respond with "I love you too" which they don't want to say. They may not give any response, which really hurts.
3. Don't Repeatedly Ask Your Partner To Come Back To You. Each time you ask you are usually setting your chances back for another week.
4. Don't Call. Don't Drive By. Don't Show Up At Their Work. Exercise a lot of restraint. This is very hard but it is crucial.
5. Don't Try To Figure This Out By Yourself. Get a therapist or an equivalent to help you process your feelings and to develop the best approach. Telling everyone the business of your relationship will only undermine your goal and most likely make you look stupid.
6. Don't Try To Be A Detective. Snooping around is a violation of their personal space. Don't go through their dressers, their e-mail, or their car. Just because they aren't feeling close to you doesn't mean that there is someone else.
7. Don't Send Your Best Friend As Your Ambassador. This approach works better than you going but you have to consider that you are only trying to gain leverage versus respecting their need for space and time.
8. Don't Try To Make Them Jealous. If you do this you are playing games and not seriously making an effort to hear the needs of your partner. You're also playing with other people's emotions.
9. Don't Talk Bad About Your Partner. Saying negative things about your partner or trying to get people to side with you by telling your partner's faults or private matters is unforgivable.
10. Don't Display Temper Tantrums. A lot of people use aggression to get their way but this reinforces your partner's notion of why they left in the first place.
11. Don't Use Children As Pawns. Children are effective tools to play with your partner's heart. However, this does damage to the children and your partner will grow to hate you. Stop trying to get your way and begin doing the right thing.
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